Today was a really bad day. First, I had to get a cervical epidural, which is where they do an epidural injection in the top part of your spine. I work up and couldn’t move in certain ways. I would involuntarily scream when I moved my head and arms in certain ways. It went away around 2pm (the injection was at 6am…which of course I have to get up at 4am), and I was able to sleep for a large part of that.
And, since I lost my crown, and tore up the underside of the right side of my tongue with the sharp edge of the tooth that no longer had a crown on it, and THEN all the citrus and pineapple and things I’d been eating were making that feel SO MUCH better! (Note the sarcasm there folks.) that I couldn’t eat fruit except for berries, and I can’t eat anything really crunchy like carrots and raw green beans, and nuts, because they aggravate my slice and diced tongue.
So I’ve been eating anything that would fall apart in my mouth: Cookies worked great today.
I wanna cry.
I realize I’m not perfect, but sometimes I have to allow myself to fail. AND once I DO fail, I have to stop, pick myself up, and then start again. My husband, the Saint, makes this hard sometimes. I think he forgets what happens when we fail. Like this:
Me: (picking up a Nutrisystem chocolate bar…hey, it’s diet food, right? Maybe not on THIS diet..)
Saint: “Honey, you’re supposed to be on a diet.” (said lovingly)
Me: “I know.”
Saint: “You can’t have that.”
Me: “I know.”
Saint: :So why are you eating it?” (said with a little more frustration)
Me: “I don’t know.” (wanting to cry)
Ok? OK?? No, it’s not ok. I need you to be the strong one right now, and help me. I need you to say, “Here, let me help you!” But he already helps me enough. I can’t say, “I need you to take it away, because I’m just gong to keep doing this until I throw up from guilt or go into a sugar coma”.
It’s the same with the kids.
Saint: “You didn’t do your homework.”
Child: “I know.”
Saint: “Why not?”
Child: (crying) “I don’t know.”
Saint: “You know you need to do your homework.”
Child: “I know!”
Saint: “Go get your homework done.”
There is no permission to fail, dust off, and start again, it’s just the same cycle. How do I tell this incredible person that we need MORE from him? He already does so much for us. He’s the breadwinner, giving us a house, food, clothing..all the basics, insurance. The kids get to do what activities they want: Boy Scouts, sports, music, martial arts. He drives us to all of these things, drives me to multiple doctors’ visits a month, sometimes a week. He takes time off work or works from home to make sure I get the treatments I need to help me not be in so much pain. How can I ask for more?
How can I not?